Love by Suffocation
by Fai-kitty and Kuro-woof
Summary: This is what happens when Faikitty is left alone for long periods of time to write. Not as disturbed as it sounds. Linked to the flashback Fai has in CH 135? Fai thinks about his relationship with Kuro and how it changes over time. KuroFai.
1. When Breathing Isn't an Option

_"I want to die... I want to die..." he whispered softly to the dark silence of his solitary cell as he grasped the cold metal bars in his frozen hands. "I want to die... but first... I want to be loved by someone."_

Now that he sat on the edge of the bed in a room dimly lit by a dying fire, he had to wonder why that of all things had been so important to him. He had wanted this for so long. He had spent all those years searching for it. But now that he had actually found someone to love him, he felt cold alone and afraid. Far more than he had felt back in the days when he would pathetically grab at the bars and futilly whisper his hopes.

He felt around for his clothes in the dim light and quickly and quietly slipped them on. He couldn't lay there anymore. The darkness was suffocating him, the stillness was suffocating him, his _life_ was suffocating him. In this tiny dim room, all his hopes had been realized and his sense of purpose had been shattered. All those years of searching only to find out that what he sought did not satiate him. He stood up, sighing. He had to get out of that room.

"Hey..."

The voice from the bed made him freeze in mid-step as a shiver shot up his spine. He turned his head to look back in regret. His lover had appeared to be asleep when he first started to move but that wouldn't have been the first time he had been fooled by appearances. His lover sat up in the bed, never taking his eyes off of him.

He smiled at his lover and again turned to leave, hoping that no more would be said, that nothing would be questioned. As his hand settled upon the cold metal doorknob, he heard his lover call out to him again.

"Don't go..."

His eyes widened in shock as his hand tightened around the doorknob. The pressure had just surged. He was suffocating even more now.

"Stay."

His cold hand released the doorknob suddenly and he returned to the bed again. Perhaps suffocation wasn't so bad. Perhaps it was the only thing he had left to prove to himself that he was still alive. As he slipped under the covers, he fell into his lover's grasp once more.

"Why were you leaving?"

He shifted about in his lover's embrace. It was stifling. Suffocating, just like everything else.

"Aren't you comfortable here?"

He wanted to lie to his lover, if not to make his lover feel better than to make himself feel better. He wanted to say that he was fine. He wanted to say that he was comfortable and happy there in his lover's arms. He wanted to say that it was by some strange accident that he had been walking toward the door only a moment ago. Sadly, for once the truth came far easier than the lies.

"I'm not," he shook his head.

"Is it because of me?"

"No."

"Is it because of your past?"

He tensed for a moment but then relaxed. "I suppose."

"We'll work through it," his lover assured him. "Until then, stay."

"Alright," he sighed.

"Good night then, Fai," his lover said.

"Good night, Kurogane," Fai returned.


	2. Not Enough Air to Live on

_"I want to die... I want to die..." he whispered softly to the dark silence of his solitary cell as he grasped the cold metal bars in his frozen hands. "I want to die... but first... I want to be loved by someone."_

As he laid naked under the many covers, snuggly cuddled up against his lover's side, he really had to wonder how foolish he had to have been back then. Had he really wanted nothing more out of life than to be loved by one solitary person? He couldn't remember anymore. Those memories had sat on the shelf too long and had collected too much dust and debris. Those memories were too cloudy now.

But, by God, if he had wanted nothing more out of life back then, he had truly been a fool, he decided as he stared over at the fireplace with hazy eyes. Laying there with his lover at night was becoming more comfortable with time, though he still found it difficult to sleep most of the time.

Laying there was nice though. He felt safe in his lover's arms, even if he wasn't as comfortable as he would have liked. He knew he would not be misunderstood here. There was a sense of peace that came with knowing that but still peace was not comfort. He wanted comfort.

The situation still cut the air short sometimes. It still suffocated him. He wasn't comfortable yet, though his lover was clearly trying to make it comfortable for him. He felt bad for taking as long as he was to adjust but his lover just kept assuring him that it was okay for him to take his time.

He turned over in bed, fidgeting a bit. Perhaps he still wasn't comfortable at all but he would continue to work at it. He wanted to be comfortable there. He considered just having that want enough progress for now.

"Aren't you tired?" his lover asked.

He was hardly surprised to hear his lover's voice. He turned over to face him, sighing, "I suppose."

"Then go to sleep already," his lover pulled him to his chest.

He relaxed in his lover's caring grasp and smiled. This was progress; this was change; this was a new meaning in life for him. He no longer needed to suffocate to feel alive; love made him feel alive now. "Alright," he whispered softly. "Good night, Kurogane."

"Good night Fai."


	3. Breathing Deep and Clear

_"I want to die... I want to die..." he whispered softly to the dark silence of his solitary cell as he grasped the cold metal bars in his frozen hands. "I want to die... but first... I want to be loved by someone."_

Laying in the dark room where seeing his own lover who was laying right beside him was barely possible, he mused over that event from long ago. His mind strained to remember it. The memory was so far gone now that it was nearly impossible to bring back.

He had been a desperate fool back then, reaching out for whatever he could think of that would give him a purpose... a goal. He couldn't even realize that he would need so much more from life. And from love too.

He smiled. He was grateful that that simple wish had kept him going, even if he had been an idiot to ask for only that. If he had killed himself back then, his life would have meant nothing at all but now...

All he could do was smile. He was so happy, so content, so comfortable. He never imagined things would be this good. After the prison and perhaps before that even, he had given up on even thinking of true happiness. Yet here he was.

The suffocation was gone now. He was so comfortable now that he no longer felt the pressure on his chest that he used to feel. He no longer needed the feeling to feel alive, either. Love had taken its place. Love made him feel alive now.

His lover, still fast asleep, rolled over and wrapped his arms around him. Though his lover's arms were heavy against his chest, that pressure didn't bother him anymore either. He laughed quietly to himself. His lover could be quite cute.

He settled down again, ready to finally go to sleep. He closed his eyes just as his lover's eyes opened.

"Going to bed finally?" his lover asked him. Perhaps he hadn't been asleep.

"Yep," he responded sweetly.

"What were you thinking about all this time?" his lover questioned.

He just smiled and gave a soft reply, "How good I have it."

His lover blinked at him for a moment but then smiled and pulled him closer. "Go to sleep now, you little idiot. You need your rest."

"You're right. Goodnight, Kurogane."

"Goodnight, Fai."


End file.
